I don’t give a …

Content warning: swearing and the mention of child abuse, but details in old post links, from this post.

My long-standing readers may have noticed that I have started saying the names of areas where I have been on my blog. This is now because basically I don’t give a fuck. If it turned out a particular ex hoped to track down where I live and make personal contact with me, then he will​ in a lot of trouble and have more to worry about. I would scream and shout out, to let those nearby that they have a child abuser about.

To remind readers old and new, an ex I broke up with some years ago, because after 6 years he could not commit and gave me the same fucking answers, when I asked when he moved in. I knew what I wanted the last four years of that relationship, but I waited patiently the last two. He wanted me to hang on for another year, but I wasn’t having that and I called it off for a year, saying to him that during that time, I would not get back with him.
During that time, he had to think about what he really wanted and to be honest with himself, as well as being honest with me. I wasn’t going to promise him if I would get back with him after our break, but I definitely would not be with him before.
In the end, I chose not to get back with him, but he wanted to remain friends and so did I. But he soon failed on that one within months and he knew it, with how his last text came across to me, which I chose to ignore. A friend said expect another before he gives up, but I said I would be surprised if I got another, because he knows he has blown it. I was done.
I was right, I heard nothing more from him.

Fast forward some years later and by pure accident while researching something, he came up in the Google search. It was just a photo I seen at first. I did not even observe the writing that came with it. I was staring at the photo, because it was obviously a recent photo since I last seen him. He looked quite different, so I was questioning if it was really him. I knew that because of background and how he looked, that it was a police photo. After clicking on the link to read more, my life changed and so for my family.
When I split up with him all those years ago, I was disappointed in him. My family felt the same.
But when I read what he had done, I was distraught and sick to the core. I fucking hate him and I hope he rots. How I felt even further are described in related post links below, as I really don’t want to repeat it here, even though I feel sick just writing this,at this point.

I kept places where I live, or where I go private, so that I don’t give him a chance to find me. This was to protect me, because of how greatly I was first affected and how I am still affected. If I bumped into him, wherever he ends up, after he is released, if he survives jail, I do not want to bump into him. I know I will be hugely triggered, because of what he done to that child, which during all the time we were together, this had already possibly happened. All I know, is from what I read and this happened some time in the same year I went out with him. I started going out with him at the end of that year. But if it happened before I went with him, I still knew him as a friend. Or I thought I knew him. As I have mentioned​ in another blog post, I did not know anything was going on and as I blogged, you don’t always know as you think.

I am also triggered if I ever see him because I have been abused as an adult and that affected me big time, but to be abused when a child, I could not even imagine.
He helped me when I had a flashback to when I was raped. He supported me, by coming with me to Nottingham, just to help me where I needed to go, for my first counseling session. He came across caring and never did I feel pressured to have sex, during the time I was with him. A cuddle, felt just a cuddle. Nothing more. When we would see on the news about a child being abused, or missing, we both had views about it. Never, during these times, did I suspect anything wrong.

How could he harm a child and keep that hidden, in all that six years?

Would he have harmed his own daughter? Did he harm his daughter, during the time she had a week with him? (First partner split with him and left taking both and son and daughter with her. She was 2 years old, ex said, at the time they split up. Son older. They lived very far away, that involved boat, or being in an aeroplane, to get where they lived, so missed most of their years. I wonder what she has thought of this? as their relationship was much longer than ours.)

Did he harm another child he cared for quite a lot. Or was that child lucky, being a boy?

Did he honestly think I would stand by him, when this came out, had we been still together by then?

Remembering​ my last ever conversation with the ex, via Skype, before having that year break, I will never forget that last conversation I had with him. This is because I remember his body language when I said to him, “I think I know why you don’t want to move in with me?” He looked like an animal caught in headlights.
Now you have to realise, that this was at a time the child abuse had not come out. This is someone I loved and who supposed to have loved me. But here he is frozen, looking trapped. I will never forget that look.
But because I discovered he was jailed last June for abusing that child and remembering that look, from all those years ago, he thought I knew. Had I known then, I would have called the police and I would have fucking kicked him where it hurt prior. Yes, had I done it, I probably would have got done for assaulting him. But it would have been worth it.
I hope he does not survive jail and if he gets out, I hope he is lonely. In fact, I am positive he would be lonely, because the family would disown him.

He apparently is not allowed back in Nottinghamshire. But my concern is if I bumped into him wherever he lands up, as I am not going to know. I don’t want to see him again and if I was ever in an area he’d be living in, I hope he never approaches me. I know I would be angry, trembling with my emotions raking up my past triggers and being physically sick. I wouldn’t keep quiet and tell him to go the other way, shouting so any parents nearby know to keep their child away from him and what he is.

I will never forget the day I found out via Google, of his jail sentence and his crime, in which he had already been in jail for some months at that point. It was just days after the double funeral of my cousin and her husband. The world just spun as I was in a mess, until eventually crashing out and sitting on the floor.
Although a very traumatic time and some events blurry around that day, I have not forgotten the support I received around that time.

For those new to this, or have forgotten some of this, then posts below will kind of update you on that, just be aware of possible triggers it may cause you. Content warnings are in these posts.

Please be aware when commenting of possible triggers for me. This is still raw. I don’t want to ever come across him, but I have wanted to write and have my say with him in a letter, but I don’t want to give my address to him. I don’t know if the police can help with this, or not. I have never really asked, even though I have wanted to contact them ever since I knew.

Related posts:

As a survivor of abuse. – If you ask me to forgive, you are not helping.

After reading Imani’s post today, I felt inspired to write my own post on this topic. But do visit Imani’s post on her own views too, “The ‘F’ word – for abuse survivors.’ By reading our posts, I want you to understand why you have to be careful and avoid saying these words. It does not work for us all.

So back to my views, as my personal story is very different from Imani’s. But my view on this topic is very much the same.

  • Don’t tell me to forgive.
  • Don’t tell me to forgive because it will lessen my pain.
  • Don’t tell me to forgive and say, “I’m not saying that what that person did was acceptable, it’s just so you can let go and move on.”

It doesn’t matter how you place, or rephrase your words, if you mention anywhere in the conversation that I am to forgive, you are definitely not helping me. 

As I said on Imani’s post, I totally agree with you Imani. I hate this word too.

I have not had childhood abuse to the extent as you have, but there are things that have happened and as I have blogged about in my childhood, my 20’s and now discovered 40’s. There is no way I could forgive. I don’t need to forgive to heal, as I have had other ways over the years to heal.

To be told to forgive someone who gave trauma to me and the latest I found out last year, who played a part in trauma to someone else and I learn it happened in the whole time I was with that person, that it re-triggers my past trauma in my 20’s, there is no way I will forgive.

It makes my blood boil to have someone tell me to forgive and only slows down my healing journey.

As I mentioned, in that above comment over at Imani’s post, it makes my blood boil and it only slows down my healing.
The damage will always be there for me, but using the things I learnt in my counselling session, along with the things I do, to help me heal is what I need to do, to lessen the pain and heal. Unlike Imani, I do not appreciate your words when you make what ever comment, with forgiveness somewhere inside that comment. No, I do not appreciate it. (A repeat to make sure you read it right, the first time.) Even counsellors do not say this.

Now you have read my post, if you have not done so, do read Imani’s please. It is important for everyone to educate themselves in choices of words. Not everyone wants to be told to forgive the person that harmed you, for moving forward etc.

Why do people look at you weird, when they learn you choose to stay single?

(Content warning: mentions rape, child abuse and a bit of swearing.)

I choose to stay single, as my blog readers will know and understand.
My faith in relationships is no more, other than friends. I don’t want to live with anyone as a friend, or anything more.
Until people have been in my situation where you have been raped and a little mental abuse in your first relationship, find a second to be nice as he his, but did not go anywhere because I was on like a rebound from the first, but there were other things too and so I had so many years break, before meeting the third.
The third I split up from after 6 years, because he could not commit and so during all that time, that relationship was part-time. I had learnt last year as you know by accident, that he was a child abuser and was jailed last June for 4 years and 6 months. So it is understandable that I have lost faith in anything more than friendships.

Yes, I can live on my own happily and mostly, it is not lonely. I keep myself busy, or I relax. Either way, I do what I want to do and I do not have to consult on anyone. I have my freedom and I would not want that to change.

The last relationship I was in, he gave me faith in relationships. I never felt threatened, or pressured while I was with him. At that time I was with him, he was my friend, a soul mate and lover. To find out what he became last year and never see that in all the time I was with him, he has destroyed me when it comes to having faith in relationships. I was hugely triggered when I found out via a website, while browsing for something not related.
Although I do not talk of this man here, or personally with friends much, I am hurt to find what he is. He has destroyed me. There is no way I could live with anyone, on any level.
I never thought he would be a child abuser and that is what really gets to me. But I do remember how our last conversation over Skype went, which I will never forget how he looked like an animal trapped in headlights, when I said “I bet I know why you don’t want to move?” I will never forget that look, because I was mystified then, as to why he looked at me like that and I did not know then, what I know now. But to find out years down the line what he is and remember that day… Well, now I know.

So please be careful when you talk about relationships, as in expect me to commit with someone in some way, because it is a fucking trigger.

Why do people, expect certain people to live together?

Just because  i get on with them as a friend, does not mean I should move in with them. I value the friendship so much, that I would not risk jeporadising it.

Why do people look at you weird when you talk about living on your own happily, or travelling on your own happy? I’m not the only single person in this world, so stop looking at me like a freak.

I find now when I walk around, that I am very wary at times who is near me. There has been times I have felt threatened. That person was probably alright, but because of the vibe I was getting off them, I felt on high alert and triggered. I know that this trigger has re-appered because of learning what my ex became. If ex makes it alive out of jail, he better not come across me, because I would tell him to quickly walk away. If he was to get close enough, I could not say I wouldn’t wallop him one.

The funniest thing I have received in response to travelling alone, when I spoke with someone many years ago was, “Don’t you get bored?”
My reply while laughing, was “Why would I get bored while holidaying alone? Do you think I am going to stay in the hotel all day? I go out and see things.”

But the most inspiring and complimentary comment received was, “I think you are brave travelling somewhere. Especially when you have gone somewhere new. I don’t think I could do that.”

So please don’t judge someone who chooses to be single, because it’s our right, for what ever those reasons may be. Someone may choose to be single ad not have been abused. We all have our own story.

I don’t want red in my home

So since this first post back in January; “First chit-chat of 2018” when I revealed on how I found out about an ex and then further airing off about him in this post; “You don’t always know,” it has been quiet on the topic. Both the two posts came with trigger warnings, but this one won’t need one, as I won’t be talking about the triggering topics, so you will have to read them there, in the above two posts if you don’t know what this is all about.
Some of my blogging friends will know that although I have been quiet here on the matter, they will know I am still affected since finding out this awful news, because of leaving comments elsewhere on similar topics, venting away, because I understand and it being a touchy, triggering subject close to my heart.
As regular readers and close friends will know, I plan to stay single. I don’t want another relationship. I did not want another relationship after I left the last one, but since finding out what he is and the time wasted in that relationship, it is single all the way for me now. (A very determined one.)
Mum has hoped I would always settle with a particular friend, but when I finally came to an uproar with her because I was so pent-up of hearing the same repeated topic and because I felt that pushed and, my personal views not respected by mum, mum finally realised that friendship was all it was a going to be and a good friendship at that.

The effects now since discovering about the ex, is that I cannot stand red in my home. I found this out when I was going to view a flat one time. The photos shown a red wall in the kitchen. I could not stand looking at it and I knew that this would be the first thing I was going to change. I associate red with him. Especially red walls, as this was what he wanted to do in his kitchen where he once lived. Luckily this flat did not have any red, as it had been decorated all neutral, since those photos were taken. (The flat was not suitable in the end, as I blogged about.)
Thankfully, I have no red walls, but I do have a red microwave and kettle. I want to get rid of these and although I cringe as I use them, thankfully it is not the full effects as a red wall would be. Mum wants to get rid of her microwave I learnt recently, as she hardly uses it. I said I would have it, so I will go and check it out in the next couple of days, as mum said it wasn’t working properly. But I shall see how it is, as it shouldn’t be.

A trigger that can still catch me out

A trigger that can still catch me out, is when I am accused of something I have not done, that is of a serious nature. I can quickly show my anger as the response I feel brewing inside of me is so strong. This is because of when I was a child, I was once accused by a close family member of taking money from a particular place that she had. Looking back on my very earlier blog posts where I talked about my childhood, I thought I had raised this there, but I don’t seemed to have. I can see why I chosen not to do it, to protect the person. I still am, hence using the word ‘close family member.’ But that person, knows how to this day that accusation has affected me. Who ever I shop for, it doesn’t matter, I will still always come back with a receipt. It’s my protection.

Now recently, another same situation cropped up at work. (Not to do with money, but instead a key.) It wasn’t aimed directly at me, just the department I work for which I will call A. The people throwing this accusation were where I get the key from, which I will call B. It was B’s fault, because from the week before when it was signed back in, at some point it went missing and they did not have anything to show in their book who had it. No one in A had it at the start of the week and it is not needed by us at the weekend. But no, like before, B like to blame A.

Now although I know it was not aimed directly at me, my response and how I felt inside was the same as it would have been, had I been accused. Like they did when this happened before. They decided it was someones fault I found later, from our department, but that person never had that key, because he wasn’t given that one and this person has the proof. But because I knew they were throwing the same trick as they did to me, it got me angry and pent-up. I let my department know what was going off and they were not happy to hear of this happening. (I hope they have done something about it.)
From telling them, I thought that as well as letting them know what was going on, that also it would undo all the pent-up anger I had inside me. Did it heck.

When I was home I focused on my cat, did mindfulness drinking of my tea and lit a scented candle, which after doing this, I was 90% better. I then decided to go to bed early, to switch off, but when I got up the next morning, my body was telling me about it from how I was the day before; painful joints, feeling tired and a little tense.
I went out to focus on my studies and I drank my latte mindfully. Eventually, I was mindfully better, but I still had to contend with my pains and tiredness for the rest of the day.

I know, through the help of my counselling I had that time, that I am now aware that these feelings I have when I hear of accusations like this, whether directly at me, or at A, are the same emotions I felt from my childhood. This, along with the injustice of it all.
My response has reminded me, that there are still times when I have some work to do, to try to ease these emotions less.
I have to remind myself that whether against me, or others in A, that for my own health, I have to try and keep this stress minimal as I can. By doing so, I won’t have the side effects afterwards in my body, where I am tired and having joint pain. But this is going to be hard, I know.

If you can relate and you have tips to share, that are different from what I am practising, then please share.

Book review: “Positive Outcomes for Dissociative Survivors – Emotional Resource Guide,” by Carolyn Spring.

This book brings a number of articles and concepts that are designed to help people learn how to take back control over their traumatised emotional and bodily states. This is through understanding concepts such as the back brain and the front brain, the window of tolerance and the trauma traffic light.

Contents of this book:

  • Introduction
  • Coping with crisis
  • Emergency box
  • Managing triggers
  • Body sensations
  • Managing flashbacks
  • The trauma traffic light
  • The window of tolerance
  • Emergency cards
  • Alphabet of emotions
  • Safety kit: Emotional thermometer
  • Mental Health Act 1983

This 57 page guide-book, I bought from Amazon and it is for those who experience frequent states of debilitating, even life-threatening distress and is also a resource for those who work with this client group.

The book advises on its contents page to take care when reading, as some content may be triggering.

I like how this book explained the ‘back brain’ and the ‘front brain’ and, how and why we respond the way we do. Even more so, due to our past trauma we may have experienced.
I also was reminded by reading this book, that how I react to my triggers is not my fault and to not give myself self-hate because of it, as this does help either.

When being triggered, it gives tips on how I could get my front brain to switch back online, after a trigger.

About the author

Carolyn Spring is an author as well as being Director of PODS (Positive Outcomes for Dissociative Survivors) and its charity framework START (Survivors Trauma and Abuse Recovery Trust). PODS works to make recovery from dissociative disorders a reality through training, informing and supporting.
Carolyn Spring is also Editor of ‘Multiple Parts,’ a magazine/journal produced three times a year for PODS and also spends a large proportion of her time training at PODS’ many events throughout the UK.
She developed Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) as a result of prolonged and extreme childhood abuse, but believes passionately in recovery and the dignity and respect that is due to all human beings, but especially those who have been abused as children.