The unknowing pressure I put on myself.

Since this post To have a home, I have realised I have put unknowing pressure on myself. I did not realise, until after I aired that post.
As I have said in that post, all I want is a home, whether buy, or a council property. But after realising it would not be achievable buying a home and, that a council place would be more likely and so accepting this, as I said in that post, I have felt pressure ease off myself.
I have been aware in the past of unnecessary pressure, even though at the time, I felt that the pressure was good for me then, to keep going. But this pressure, I was not aware of doing it, until letting the idea go and feeling more free.

I felt this unnecessary pressure let go even further and feeling more free, after writing More experiences.

It is so easy to put pressure on ourselves, but have you ever not been aware, until later, like I did?

Book review: “The CBT Good Habit Journal,” by Christine Wilding and Gill Hasson

This book is something I have been working on for some time, after coming across it in a bookshop in town. I am still working through this book, as this post airs.

This mindful book is ideal for anyone, because we would all get something out of it and it’s best to read at least two, or three pages a day, as you work through this book.

  • to clarify thoughts
  • to change the way you think about yourself
  • to express yourself in a creative way
  • to help reduce stress
  • to help solve problems more effectively
  • to help resolve disagreements with others
  • to help gain perspective

When using this book, I wrote directly in the pages, because this is my journal after all. This book is interactive and fun, while I learn good habits and build confidence, using the CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) in my daily life.

I in particular loved the tiny frogs story on page 84 of this book, as it made me smile and I wasn’t expecting it to end the way it did. The author who written the frog story is unknown, so whoever this was, it was very good for a short story and appropriate in this book.

The contents of this book:

Introduction
1. Goals
2. Being aware of your thoughts
3. Challenging negative thinking and finding alternative way of thinking.
4. Thoughts and physical feelings
5. Beliefs
6. Behaviour
7. Emotions
8. Conceptualizing
Answers

Blog post re-share: Discrimination – PIP

Another blog post re-share from Summer Shines Studio Blog. This time the post is about as titled “DISCRIMINATION- PIP.”

A reminder for readers that are new here and don’t know, but before I started writing this blog, for several years I was on DLA which I was given for life. This is because I am deaf.
But as I have blogged about and I am not alone in this from reading elsewhere in different places, regardless I had DLA for life and those others affected, I had to apply for PIP when the time came. By this point, as well as discussing my deafness, I also had to discuss my mental health.
To cut this long conversation short, as I have some blog posts here on my blog already on the topic, so please catch up there on those if needed, I was not awarded PIP.
I did not appeal because it is stressful enough alone, but also I had a lot going on in my life with the loss of my cousin and her husband after they got run over, to finding out what an ex was truly like, that triggered me. I did not appeal, because I wanted to keep my sanity, with knowing I was finally getting out of my old work place, to start a new one and I wanted to make sure mentally, I was going to start that job!

Fast forward and as I blogged, after seeing the points system that is used, as a deaf person alone, there was no way I was going to get it for my deafness and as for my report with my mental health on top, I felt stigma in that report because of how it was written how I had a job. Even though you can apply for PIP, while you are working.

If you are deaf, for deafness alone, you are not going to get it. I could say more about my report, but I shan’t. Instead, just read and share the above post link, because it says it all, that many have experienced while claiming PIP. Discrimination and stigma!
The video on the link is unfortunately not subtitled, so I could not follow everything she said. But no doubt it is all what we have felt at some point when being interviewed, or worse.

DWP is a trigger for me

After going through the PIP crap last year and finding like many others who had DLA for life not getting PIP, I find DWP are a trigger for me. When I see news articles of people who lost PIP when it was bloody obvious they should have got it and having to fight for it, makes me bloody angry. It is huge stress that does not help the individual’s health on top of what ever they are already experiencing. It makes me fume. and I feel for them, like how I felt it when going through all this.
As readers know, I did not appeal my PIP. PIP was stressful enough, but when I learnt I had not got it, I was already grieving the loss of a double-death in my family and on top of this, finding an ex boyfriend was jailed for a historic case of child assault. I was broken from loss in the family and hugely triggered by the news of the ex. I had no strength to fight for PIP. I had to think about next year, as I knew I got the job and I wanted to be in the best of health for this job. Not be off sick before I started.

Now I am free of DLA/PIP and WTC, I feel bloody free. I have been sick and tired of answering to people in general over the years, including DWP, feeling I have to prove my deafness. My medical notes tell how fucking deaf I am.

So this year, DWP contacted revenues, who wrote to my mum, because DWP said to them that I was living at my mum’s and so revenues had to check my mum out. My mum is not well and I insisted and told my mum to insist that revenues comes to her to do the checks. I was bloody fuming and the trust I don’t have for DWP on top of this makes me hate them even more. This part has already been sorted now, although my MP is getting involved in this and so she is currently waiting for a reply from DWP too.
BUT… I have now a personal gripe with DWP and I have raised this with my MP and because of what I have raised, meant I have now raised about the PIP experience, what I think of DWP in general and a question why can ‘t DWP follow a bloody simple instruction, as in why are they phoning me, when my phone number I gave was just for text purposes? I can’t hear on the phone. Explaining how they also tried to let me know of PIP assessment that was cancelled via phone, which I did not know about cancellation until I arrived there, wasting my time and getting stressed for nothing, because they did not contact me appropriate way.
I have also expressed how I now get easily angry when I read about others who have lost and have had to fight for their PIP, like the recent case she shared on her Facebook wall at the time. I questioned, that does DWP think they are above the law? When my MP had received reply to her first letter, she will raise the next one that I personally have.

Chit-chat – October

Learning

I received my certificate for Health Care (Foundation) with BSY, near the end of September, which I received ‘High Merit’ for. As for my other home study; pet sitting course, I took a break from studying to feel refreshed after the effort I put in with the two courses at BSY, now finished as you know, except for still sticking my head in books to help with my theory test and learning to drive. By the way, if you have not already seen this post; Theory test; attempt 2, I passed and my driving lessons are in November.

My hand

I have nothing to report about my hand much, as I am having a problem trying to get an appointment at the moment with the doctor, to see about results. I still have pain, but it has eased a bit, but it can still catch me out. I still use my pain-killing gel and take paracetamol. I have limited to how I use my hand, like making sure I don’t put any exertion on it, which I think has helped too in reducing pain.

My tooth

My tooth that has been a long wait for to have extracted, is on the 17th October.
When I have been taking paracetamol, it has not only helped my hand, it has also helped to reduce the pain on this too. It is very tender to touch around the right hand side of my face, near my nose. The pain or discomfort seems to transfer to my cheek bone at times too. I will be glad when it comes out. I have felt nausea at times this past fortnight and I am wondering if it’s the abscess that is making me feel like this.

PIP

PIP assessment is this week and I am hoping this time they don’t cancel, because if I arrive there to find it has like last time, I will write a written complaint. Not that I will forget the last time at this weeks assessment, as I shall raise it there at the appropriate moment.

The job front

I will be glued to my email inbox to see if I hear from either of the cleaning jobs I applied for. One of them does not have a closing date, but the other does, which was last Friday. If I am lucky to hear from them, 48 hours before interview day, then the interview will fall this Friday.

To stay where I am at the moment

As you know from my last chit-chat, I had extra worry when I heard my rent was going up, while making my way to my PIP assessment. The extra worry on top of losing PIP, made me feel sick. After chatting with the person who manages the property on behalf of the landlord, I felt happier and a little reassured. So it has taken a little pressure off. As tempting as I want to move from the area now, I did not want to do it while I have my cat Miley. So as I continue to live here for how ever long I have Miley, I don’t want to move until I am ready to downsize, because the type of property I would want, I would not be allowed a cat. But if it turns out I did not get anywhere with this job and I heard from the other one which is local, then moving out of the area would be rather a stupid idea, as I could walk to it and so if this happened, then I would downsize to a property in my local area, if possible, when the time came. Wherever my next move would be in the future, I will be picky.

Finding the balance

The urge to move out of my area, I don’t think helped with how I was through other stresses I had, that I have blogged about in past posts, that affected my moods and how I was feeling. Although I still have the urge to live in another area, it is not as strong as it was. I think if I am in a better job, everything would follow on ok and everything else would balance out. I have seen this, while I am lucky for it to be calm at my workplace and making sure I have my time out moments like I did on my D.I.Y. retreat.

I also learnt after my retreat, that I need to make sure I don’t drink too many lattes when out and about, (unless it is the decaf kind) because know that having more caffeinated drinks than I usually would when out, does not help my anxiety.
Looking back after my D.I.Y. retreat, I am aware before leading up to that, that I was drinking a lot of lattes more than normal which became my comforter drink. When I felt tired, down and stressed, I would make my way out for that smooth latte from my favourite place. I can remember that every sip I drank, I enjoyed, but I also remember how I felt comforted, which replaced sweet food. Either not good, when you have too much. I am surprised I did no give myself a migraine, (or bad headache) and nausea with how many I had a week. So now, when I go out, latte I still have, but depending on how many I have already that day, or that week, it may not always be my first choice.

I have taken timeout this weekend. Not a set schedule like the D.I.Y. retreat, but still doing something.
Saturday morning, after feeding Miley and having my breakfast, I read a book, then I went out to a coffee and cake morning that a local shop was having to raise money for Macmillan. I met my mum there and while there, I browsed the handmade gifts in the store. I bought something for myself and the other was towards a Christmas present, to go with something else I bought earlier on in the year. Me and my mum then walked back to mine and chatted back at mine for a couple of hours over further decaf tea and decaf coffee.
When my mum decided she was going to leave, to make her way back home, I decided to make my way to Nottingham for a bit. This was to do some Christmas shopping while I had the money, while soaking up the atmosphere. I was just down there for a couple of hours, before coming back home to have my dinner, then I relaxed with book.
Sunday, after my breakfast and feeding Miley, I continued reading my book while the washer was on. Basically just having a lazy day and nothing else planned.

The effects from my last manual driving lesson

As you know from this post; I am having no more manual driving lessons, that I am having no more manual driving lessons. As you know, the last lesson I felt I had made two steps back, I had anxiety at a level that was not good and not helped by instructor in what he did on one occasion towards the end, that he did once before in another lesson; pulling me over when I did not hear him say pull over and instead thinking he wanted me to do  left turn.
But there was another effect I had from the lesson, that I did not mention in that post, until now.
I am still struggling with keeping my voice. I am assumed this was through anxiety, but I wasn’t sure. But after seeing how I was over the next few days and then looking it up, I see it is. I felt embarrassed by this, but I see from reading it up that I don’t need to be embarrassed. This is a new thing for me where stress has affected my voice and I am still struggling with it as this post goes to air.

I still feel a little down and I have a little anxiety still, especially as I know I will be having my first automatic driving lesson sooner than expected. But I am still determined to drive and if that means driving in an automatic, then so be it. I don’t care. I can see me getting on with it well, when anxiety settles, because of no clutch and gears to worry about. They were a distraction. I have tried my best with a manual, but it is not for me, so bring on automatic.

Thank you for your lovely support, when I announced I was quitting manual for automatic driving lessons and how it affected me, while trying to learn in a manual car. It is very much appreciated.

Why I am back early from my blogging break

I have enjoyed my blogging break, but I have also partly missed it. While way, I have had a lot of ‘me time,’ just doing what I want to do, on my own. I have also enjoyed spending time with a couple of family members on days I have seen them.

I have some stressful times as you know, and while I have been away from blogging I have had some ups and downs. But most of these have been ups, as I shared in my first post back from my blogging break.
I have dealt with these ups and downs in ways that are suitable for me, to get it out of my system, which two of them being doodles and sharpie drawings.

I came back earlier to blogging than planned because I wanted a distraction from earlier that day. For two hours, I had to talk a lot about negative stuff with someone from Welfare Rights who was helping me with my PIP application. Like many others who are or were on DLA originally, regardless if you had it for life, we all have to go onto PIP. But if you want it, you have to apply for it. Luckily the person who is helping me with my PIP is the same person who helped me with my DLA. But regardless I am having help with filling it in, it does not make the process any easier.
Talking about all the negativity of your disability, so it is filled in properly on the form to get across to them looking at it on how your disability affects you is hard work. I cried at one point while talking about the negative effects of my hearing loss, saying how easier just being on my own can be, so I can just be me and take my hearing aids out.  Comparing to before when I applied for DLA and now for the PIP, there is a lot more down on paper. I was there for two hours. To say the PIP form is thinner than the DLA form I remember, there is still a lot of writing had to go into it.

Originally my DLA was just for my hearing loss, (although other things were mentioned, but not important then.) Now I have to talk about my depression and anxiety.

Although I left the place where I met up with Welfare Rights person better than during my session, I did start to feel tearful again while eating lunch in town. A place where I was going to have originally lunch in was very busy, so I went to another cafe very near by. I felt a little edgy where I choose to sit, with the cafe being in the centre of the shopping centre and choosing to sit on a seat around the edge. I should have really sat somewhere more in the middle, then I may have felt less edgy.
Before going home, I thought I’d pop into HMV and buy a couple of CD’s to hopefully cheer me up a bit. I bought Ed Sheeran, ‘Divide’ and Anastacia, ‘Ultimate Collection.’
It took towards the evening though, when I was working with my colleague, before my mood picked up much better.