The unknowing pressure I put on myself.

Since this post To have a home, I have realised I have put unknowing pressure on myself. I did not realise, until after I aired that post.
As I have said in that post, all I want is a home, whether buy, or a council property. But after realising it would not be achievable buying a home and, that a council place would be more likely and so accepting this, as I said in that post, I have felt pressure ease off myself.
I have been aware in the past of unnecessary pressure, even though at the time, I felt that the pressure was good for me then, to keep going. But this pressure, I was not aware of doing it, until letting the idea go and feeling more free.

I felt this unnecessary pressure let go even further and feeling more free, after writing More experiences.

It is so easy to put pressure on ourselves, but have you ever not been aware, until later, like I did?

More experiences

Now I know what my options are in regards to living in a home, which for me is private renting, until one day I am in a council property, my next step is more experiences. There are things I want to do, but because of trying to save every penny, meant some experiences were put on hold. Although I still need to save while private renting, instead of saving every penny and preventing myself doing some of these things, I can start to save for the experiences now, for where I need to have the money for some of these things.
I don’t need to put anymore in my ISA, as I have enough in there for the unexpected and to cover moving costs, but I will put in now and again. Where I chose originally that this year would be my last holiday, now it won’t need to be, so I plan on having at least one holiday next year, but if I get to have two, then great. That’s if they don’t clash.

So what experiences would I like to do?

The following I would like to do, I am not going to be doing them within the next year I would like to add. There is no time limit on these, but it’s something I would like to do now and in the future. I may feel I want to add something else to this list later, so it may be a post I would bring up again and certainly something I will need to make a note of, so I don’t forget this list.

So on to my list of experiences I would like to do, which may not sound a big deal to you, but some will push me out of my comfort zone.

  • Holiday back to Brighton, next year.
  • Holiday back to Torquay next year, if it doesn’t clash, otherwise I will be going the year after.
  • Ride on a moped. (This will be out of my comfort zone.)
  • Travel on the train to Skegness. (This will be out of my comfort zone.)
  • Travel on train to Oxford (When I have done the Skegness one first. This will be another out of my comfort areas still though.)
  • Making my own way to some areas that require public transport. Although not far, because I have to find my own way, it will be out of my comfort zone and raise my anxiety.
  • To go on a mini version of the London Eye. (Out of my comfort zone big time, because I hate heights.)
  • To see the sun rise.
  • To see the sun set.
  • See Newquay, Cornwall and Devon.

As I say, this list is for what experiences I would like to do at some point and there is no time limit on it.

I shall cross them off, when I have done them.

Are there life experiences you’d like to to do?

To have a home

When I am private renting, although past places when renting I have made it a home, now it doesn’t seem home. This feeling is based on renting a private house. I have spent money in the garden to make it home, only for me to move for what ever reason. It annoys me, the money I spent. It’s not like I can pick up a garden and take it with me, including the fencing. Even if my garden were full of container pots, like I was originally doing where I currently live, it would cost me extra in removals to move it. So now, when it comes to moving again, if renting privately, it will be just flats I am looking at, so I have no responsibility of a garden. Also, private renting is expensive and you always have to prepare the possibility of moving. But if I was in a council property, it would feel more like home. I would be in the property knowing I would never have the worry of having to move, because you have no worry of them selling the roof over your head for example and there would be no worry of fees you have to pay each time you move into a private property.

I have talked about saving money to hope to buy. But this is only because of my current situation of private renting. Buying would feel like home and it wouldn’t matter what I spent on it making it mine, because it would be my mine.

Council property would be home

I have talked about it here already and in a past post that being in a council property would feel more like home and the reasons why. But I won’t say it won’t fill me with dread. This is due to a bad experience, that readers here who originally followed me from my deaf blog will know what I experienced. Due to the issues I had which resulted in me losing weight quickly through the stress of it, all because of a neighbour in the flat below and the visitors he used to get, my life there was hell. So as much as I want a council property, it doesn’t mean there won’t be anxiety behind it, till I know that where ever I will be, will be better than before. But if I happen to have a garden, I won’t do anything other than get someone to cut the grass, until I really know I have a lovely area to live in.

Being realistic

I have been seeing what I could put away based on either renting in a council flat, or if I am lucky getting a reasonably priced private flat, similar to council prices. Although I could put quite an amount away, realistically, I am not going to be able to buy my own property. So council property will be the way to go for me. I am not gutted by this, so hopefully I will be in a council place one day. Until then, it’s renting privately. All I want is the feeling of home.
I have queried about a one bed flat recently, which the rent is what I consider cheap. I have emailed the person directly who I was in communication with, when I was interested in a flat before. He’s on holiday and won’t be back until next week, when I am in holiday. I could email the estate agents directly for someone else to deal with my query, but I will wait for his response. The flat has been empty that I have been aware of since viewing the other flat, with a drop of price in rent I have noticed during the time it has been advertised. They have it advertised as unfurnished, but really they should have advertised it as part-furnished, as there are odd bits of furniture appearing in the photos and they mention the wardrobe in the description. I am asking them to see if the landlord would get rid of the furniture that is mentioned and shown in the photographs, should I be interested in the property. I have also asked if the landlord is looking for a tenant who is wanting to rent for either a few years, or much longer. This and a few other questions. The area where the flat is, is in the same area where I viewed the other one. I know it is a quiet area, so reassuring for me. If I did end up having this flat and the decor looks as it does on the photos, then the flat needs a little tlc. But a coat of fresh paint will fix this and make it feel home.

Frugal Living – part 3

A difficult month money-wise, between last post and this. My budget did not go to plan either – money I wanted to save, I ended up touching. I did end up putting some away, but not what I originally planned. I suppose I should be thankful that I did put something away, because I wasn’t expecting it to happen.

Starting to freeze my bread

I know a few of my friends do this and just take out what bread they need. I have just started doing this myself now and it makes it so much easier for me, than I realised. I wish I did this sooner. I have been careful in the past when buying bread, to reduce wastage. But doing it this way, is much easier I have discovered and I totally recommend it.

Do you freeze your bread and only take out what you need?

My monthly phone contract

I ran out of internet allowance on the final week, so I had to buy an add-on. This did not help my budget and I hope to not do this on next month’s. I do use wifi, but because of where I was and what I needed to do, I had to get one.

No more cling film

Now I have no microwave, I don’t need to buy anymore cling film, when I run out. The remainder I have, I have had since last year because I hardly used it. I don’t know how much I have left, as I have not really looked. But I would not be surprised if I still had this box next year.

What I am not allowing myself to buy

You may remember the book review I did, “The Year of Less,” by Cait Flanders. I’m using one of her tips I have not used before and that’s creating a list of items I am not allowed to buy, because I have plenty of it.

What I have banned myself from buying:

  • Perfumes
  • Moisturisers
  • Shampoo
  • Nail varnish

I meant to share this in an earlier frugal living post.

If you liked this post, you can find past frugal living posts by scrolling either to the right, or further down, depending on whether you are viewing my page from laptop, or a mobile device, clicking on frugal living, under the categories.

The outcome of today

As most of my readers will know and friends, that today was the court case, for the death of my cousin and her husband. I did originally say I wouldn’t mention it anymore here, but I am doing so that in particular friends who I see, I hope will read this before I see them next, or before they next text. It makes it easier that what I have to say, to just say it the once than say it say six times, because between now and Monday, I will be talking about it I know on two, or possibly three occasions.

Since last year, when I first learnt of their deaths via social media, (which I will never forget,) there have been different rumours circulating. Now most of these rumours, except for one, I did not believe. I believed in this one particular rumour that an ex work colleague told me, because of hearing the accident was very bad and because of how I read via social media how a paramedic was greatly affected by it. But this rumour turned out to be false too and this rumour greatly affected me, more so than I realised after learning the full truth today.

So to cut it short:

  • No, my cousin, or her husband did not lose any limbs. (This was what affected me and so relieved to hear they did not lose any limbs.)
  • No passengers ran off. There were two passengers with the driver.
  • It has been proven that he did not speed. (Something I thought he had.)
  • The driver was not under the influence of alcohol, or drugs.
  • The driver was not using his mobile phone.

These are the facts. I don’t want to hear anything else, or talk about this case in detail again, as there will be a couple of people, or three who don’t have internet, that I may end up talking to about, to share these true facts and squash those rumours. What you read here, is what you get. So please my lovely friends who I will see one day soon again, please don’t raise this subject. I need to come to terms with how I am feeling and provide my self-care, as well as privacy and respect for all families concerned. ( I will share my feelings at the end of this post.) I need to have my quiet time in between what is already planned, between now and when I next see you. Where I have days free this coming week, these will be for just me.

The driver, although banned from driving for five years, he says he will never drive again. He has said also that he has never forgotten that day and never will.

Now I am not going to go anymore much into what has been said, other than he does not have a jail sentence. He had court fees to pay today and he has so many hours of community service.

My feelings

Originally, regardless if he was showing remorse, or not, I was all 100% set seeing him do 10 years for each person. When I realised this was not happening, I totally broke down. But also, I struggled to hear what was being said in court, even on loop.
The woman involved in the case for us, after filling us all in, filled me in.
The police who were there, filled me and sometimes even had one-to-one chats with me in a private room. When the police knew a bit more about me, one thought it would be best to speak with the person who did the investigating at the crime scene. So as we chatted, he shown me photos taken at the crime scene and explained what they did, to test the theory of what speed he was going at and all the other evidence they had. All this shown that he definitely did not go over the 60mph limit on that road, but the bend and how the road is, he had got caught out with how the car would start to drag, because how the road is shaped that the water drains off. There is a word for this and I have come across these types of roads in driving lessons I once had, that you have to watch your speed on,to avoid the car going in the opposite direction you want it to be. So as he did not have much driving experience, the police said he would have gone and panicked with his steering wheel, trying to correct it quickly, which in turn, you just lose your car.
My cousin and her husband were walking on the pavement they worked out and they died instantly.

When I attended the court today, it was to hear the facts and as I have already mentioned, I realise I have been affected more than I originally thought, after learning no one lost a limb. I was so relieved to hear they hadn’t and broke down more. The police have really tried to squash that rumour, but it obviously still went around. I may be relieved, but I am angry for the fucking people who started this and gossiped this. I felt sick to the core when I first heard this one and now I felt sickness due to the relief and emotion of all today, in court.

After speaking with the police in much more detail than I share here, my feelings I first had where I wanted to see him land up in prison has dropped to 10%. I do understand where they are coming from that he is serving a life sentence and that he doesn’t deserve that jail sentence, but yes, that 10% of me still thinks he should, but changed as to maybe he should have had the 6 months in jail that he narrowly missed. But I know that 10% of me will one day disappear. I can see he is remorseful and I can see he is suffering.

Being in court helped me for the reasons I needed to be there, as painful as it is.
I am hoping after filling in with my mum on this today, that she can move on. Going by her reactions, I think she is.

I feel drained from today and after this post airs, I will be having my self-care and quietness that I need to do. But I will be fine. So please be aware, your comments may take some time to show, or me replying.

Frugal Living – part 2

At the end of the post of, “Chit-chat June, with a bit of frugal living,” I talked about how I was looking at alternatives for my internet. I shared there, how I found having a contract sim on my mobile was best and cheapest for me. Although I still was in a contract for my  internet, I decided to cut my losses with them and end my contract early and change to do what I need to now, to save money in the long-term.
I was so glad to see the back of them, due to their no customer service that I have experienced this year, which was not like them, in all the years I was with them before. With saving money as well on top, I just did not want to wait till end of contract.
I sorted out my monthly contract sim for my phone and this is where I will do everything, saving me mostly £3.52 per month, if I compare to how I did it before. But sometimes £13.52, when I had to top my phone up again. So if you see some weird typos in my blog posts, then this is the predictive text on my phone and me not being very watchful. But hopefully, I will get on with it this way, it just will take me longer to write-up a blog post possibly. I have to get on with it this way. 🙂 (This post was started on my computer, but finished on my phone.)

My new diary from next year, will be looking like this.


I know this is a long way off, but I wanted to sort out a diary that I would use at home, that I knew would work for me. Each year, I would normally buy two. A very small one that would fit in my work pocket and then an A5 size for home and to carry in my bag, when out and, about and not at work. Both diaries would have the same thing in, but the larger one with a little more detail at times. I like a larger diary to write in, so buying a smaller one for work, has been needed.

Last year, I had to create a large A3 monthly view calendar, because I found that I was double-booking myself. To explain how this was happening, would make it a very long post, but to put it short, what I was reading, my brain was feeling a bit scrambled by. So I used this in conjunction with my home diary, while at home and it worked for me.
As I know that a diary where I can see monthly works best for me visually and by printing off my own blanks to fill in, I thought I would look for free monthly A5 size blanks to fill in.
I bought an A5 folder from Amazon and punch my papers to place it inside and this is what I will be using next year. As I will be using this, I have saved some money by not buying an A5 size diary. Also, because I will be using an A5 size monthly planner, I won’t need to create my own A3 size version anymore. The the only diary I will be buying, is my pocket-size one, for work.

Sold some books

I sold four books via an online website and made just under £9 for them. These books were what I bought when learning to drive and as I know I will never have any intentions of future lessons, or wanting to drive, even if I had the money, so I was happy for the money received on these unwanted books.
This is something I have felt for the last three months now, where I know in my heart I don’t want to drive.
This feeling came about after chatting with a friend when she asked me, would I continue my driving lessons, had I had the money to? Originally I said yes, but when I got home, the days and now months later, I realise more that I don’t want to.

Saving inners from cereal boxes

I started the last few years, the lazy way of using instant mash, when I wanted mash potato. But I realise that if I start to buy my potatoes again for mash, as well as boiled, it would work out better savings wise. But I am aware that even just with a small bag of potatoes I buy, that I don’t want to let the others go to waste. So I have started doing something that my friend Kathryn suggested in a comment on, “Frugal living – part 1” and that’s save the inners from cereal boxes. As these bags are like a greaseproofy type bag, they will be excellent to save my diced potatoes in the freezer, for future mash potato.

50 things that make me happy

After seeing this challenge over at “hello bexa,” in this post of the same title, I thought I would give this challenge a go. 🙂 But it’s not one I have managed to complete as it airs, so his may be a post I may come back to and edit in my own time, when I can think of more.

1. My Spider Plant and Parlour Palm plant.
2. Miley, my cat, who I miss, since her passing.
3. Family
4. Friends
5. New notebook
6. My present job
7. Tea and biscuits.
8. Watching dvd’s at home.
9. Having ‘me time.’
10. A walk in nature.
11. The beach, watching the sea.
12. Quiet time.
13. Being silly and laughing with family and friends.
14. Watching films.
15. Laughing at comedies.
16. Flavoured teas.
17. My home.
18. Music.
19. Dancing.
20. Holidays, or day trips.
21. Ice cream.
22. Fleecy blanket.
23. Tai Chi
24. Pilates.
25. Zumba.
26. Knowing I have done something well.
27. To be wanted.
28. My yellow fake flowers.
29. Sunshine.
30. Seeing daffodils and snowdrops first bloom.
31. My bed.
32. Making other people.
33. Buying the odd magazine.
34. Colouring.
35. Blogging.
36. If I could afford to buy my own home, then this would make me happy.
37. My cherished memories.
38. A few necklaces I own.
39. Discovering Sharpie pens.
40. The things I have achieved.
41. My freedom.
42. Strawberry, or banana milkshake.
43. Milk with chocolate biscuits, or cookies.
44. Scones with strawberry jam and clotted cream.
45. Reading a book or magazine.