I just wanted to give you an update, after my earlier post today.

Mentally I am better, but the tiredness is still there.

I felt that tired today on getting up this morning, that I just wanted to stay on the settee all day and night and not move. That’s until I made myself move, as I said in that earlier post; “A slow start.”
When I made myself move and got dressed, I went into town to buy a book, from Pets At Home, followed by a pot of tea, in a cafe on the way back.
It just felt like hard work to walk, like I had no energy and I really don’t know how I managed it at work tonight.

In the afternoon, before I went to work, I sat with my feet up and read the book I bought, which was a guinea pig book. Although I know some care details on guinea pigs, I wanted a book on the topic, whether I end up with one myself, or not.

Tonight, when I have had my camomile tea and had my cob with a cuppa soup, I shan’t be long to bed.

I plan to have a lazy day tomorrow and I am not going anywhere, until it’s time for work.
The plan is to put on a face mask while soaking in the bath, followed by a scented moisturiser that I find a relaxing smell.

Thank you to everyone that left messages in my previous post and also personal messages. Xx

A slow start

Last night, once home after work, I started to feel a bit down. I was also tired.

I have woken up this morning to still feeling very tired and slightly unmotivated.
After allowing myself to be in my PJ’s and fleecy bathrobe, for comfort and just to be still, after breakfast, for a further hour, I pushed myself to get moving after.

I don’t know why I am feeling like this.
Maybe it is because I realise the last few days I will be unable to afford a holiday next year. As much as I have my savings in my ISA, I can’t touch that while I continue to be in private housing. With Christmas creeping up, I still have a few presents left to buy and some money for those who I am just giving money to, to put on one side, I may have to dip into my savings I have for ‘experiences and the unexpected fund.’
Maybe it is because of feeling for a work colleague, who has lost a family member.
Maybe it is just one of my days, as I call it.

Knowing the unexpected pressure I gave myself before, (which I talked about here,) I am taking the pressure off saving for a holiday next year. If it happens, then great, it happens.
Sure, if I can save, I will. But if I decide to dip in like today and go out for a cuppa and treat myself to a book, I will.
I am living for today. I am living now, in the moment.

Reflections since as the healing journey continues

Come this Friday, it will be two weeks since the court case. (Post here on that for new followers to my blog, or in case you missed it.) As I said in this post, my painful healing journey starts.
The first week was very painful and dark. Towards the end of that week, I started to laugh with the ladies at work, whether banter was started by them, or at times, myself. But laughing was painful. I could feel deep pain inside me, even though I was laughing. As you know from the second post link, if you have read this before, I had a day trip to Twycross Zoo and I had to make myself go. Even when I was there, I found after a couple of hours that I really wanted to go home, until I hung around the monkeys, watching them. They helped pass the time with their antics and made it a little more bearable. But by the afternoon I really wanted to go and I was outside the zoo till the coach arrived.

After my day trip at Oxford last Saturday, I felt more relaxed I noticed and I felt like I had a holiday for a week, not a day trip,because I felt so refreshed. So I think this was where my moods changed for the better.

There are times I am hit by waves unexpectedly. Each a different size wave from the other, with the occasional dark cloud. I am feeling a little emotional as I write this. I know getting over this will take time, because I have been through difficult times before and I got through them.

As I think more about the person who’s careless driving caused their deaths. As much as I know he is suffering and never will forget that day, I still think he should have had a jail sentence. Not the ten years for each person as originally I felt, but the six months he narrowly missed. But this cannot be changed.

I heard from the local Councillor. He plans to email me back with a full detailed response later, but until then, he felt also best to email me now with something in short. I will share these responses later in a post of its own after, hearing from him later.

 

 

My happy memories with my cousin and her husband

These happy memories were painful, as I wrote these down with my Sharpie pens. I had to stop and return to it another day, as I mentioned in “The painful healing journey starts.”

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Looking at this again, although it still hurts, it’s not as painful as it was when I first started writing this.

My happy memories, with Sandra and Michael

  • In the car with Sandra. ‘Showaddywaddy,’ is playing. I get Sandra to fast forward to ‘Hey Rock  ‘n’ Roll,’ so the music is turned up and we could throw our hand in the air to the bump bump bump of the drum, in the chorus part. While we are doing this in the car park of a pub, Michael is sitting on the wall with day and they are laughing.
  • Polishing for Sandra, with her brass, on her brass ornaments and on the bottom of her lamp.
  • Having weekends at their house.
  • Having week’s on ends, in the school holidays.
  • Knowing the love they had, for children.
  • Chats with Michael.
  • Chats with Sandra.
  • The laughs with them both.
  • Sandra’s baked dumplings.
  • Chippy night.
  • Seeing part of a farm with Michael.
  • Decorating their Christmas tree a couple of times.
  • Day trips out.
  • The car rides.
  • Doing odd bits of cleaning for Sandra.
  • Seeing Sandra’s work place.
  • Decorating for them.
  • Michael’s perfect ‘dippy’ boiled egg, for breakfast.
  • Their smiles. I will never forget their smiles.

The painful healing journey starts

Since the day I have had my answers, (see previous post) the days have been dark and painful.
I had my trip to Twycross Zoo yesterday, I mean Sunday, (getting muddled with day) and I really did not want to be there. But after finding where I was best to be, with the different varieties of monkeys and apes, that’s where I hung about. You can’t help but laugh and smile, while watching them.
The final hour before time to go home though, I waited outside. I really wanted to be at home at this point. I was mentally tired and it wasn’t getting any better. I could feel the effects physically too, after the point where I allowed myself to relax with the chimps. My body had obviously been tense beforehand, with how my arms and hands felt in particular, after part relaxing. I was home by 5.30pm and by 8pm, I was already in bed and that’s where I stayed till 9am, the next day.
The next day was a slow start. No plans because as I had mentioned in my previous post originally, this week, I wanted a quiet week. But today, my mood was getting darker and I really did not want to go to work, when thinking ahead about the afternoon. Mum texted to see how I was and I texted back how I felt. She felt the same. I offered if she’d like to come up and watch some Smallville, which she did. So we both watched it, in quietness and spoke a bit later in the afternoon. We both felt better for doing this.

Last night, when I was home from work, with a mug of tea, I sat with my Sharpie pens and notebook. It was time to get something out of my system. On one page I wrote, “I won’t rest until it is 30mph.” I then decided on another page to write down my happy memories I had with them both. It was very painful and I had to stop. My happy memories, when I think of them, are very painful and it hurts more so than court day. I will share my happy memories I had with them, in a separate post. (I write this while sitting in the library, due to running out of my Internet allowance), I am in tears.
I did not go into volunteering today, as I just did not feel up to it, but I am meeting mum soon for lunch though. Mum is buying, as I cannot afford it otherwise and would have had lunch at home. We will go back to mine after and I imagine I will play mum more Smallville, until time to go to work.
Work is great and I spoke with a colleague privately how I was feeling currently, when she asked me about court day and how I was. She didn’t hear me, when I first spoke about it.

For me and my mum, our healing journey starts now, as we come to terms with what’s happened.

The outcome of today

As most of my readers will know and friends, that today was the court case, for the death of my cousin and her husband. I did originally say I wouldn’t mention it anymore here, but I am doing so that in particular friends who I see, I hope will read this before I see them next, or before they next text. It makes it easier that what I have to say, to just say it the once than say it say six times, because between now and Monday, I will be talking about it I know on two, or possibly three occasions.

Since last year, when I first learnt of their deaths via social media, (which I will never forget,) there have been different rumours circulating. Now most of these rumours, except for one, I did not believe. I believed in this one particular rumour that an ex work colleague told me, because of hearing the accident was very bad and because of how I read via social media how a paramedic was greatly affected by it. But this rumour turned out to be false too and this rumour greatly affected me, more so than I realised after learning the full truth today.

So to cut it short:

  • No, my cousin, or her husband did not lose any limbs. (This was what affected me and so relieved to hear they did not lose any limbs.)
  • No passengers ran off. There were two passengers with the driver.
  • It has been proven that he did not speed. (Something I thought he had.)
  • The driver was not under the influence of alcohol, or drugs.
  • The driver was not using his mobile phone.

These are the facts. I don’t want to hear anything else, or talk about this case in detail again, as there will be a couple of people, or three who don’t have internet, that I may end up talking to about, to share these true facts and squash those rumours. What you read here, is what you get. So please my lovely friends who I will see one day soon again, please don’t raise this subject. I need to come to terms with how I am feeling and provide my self-care, as well as privacy and respect for all families concerned. ( I will share my feelings at the end of this post.) I need to have my quiet time in between what is already planned, between now and when I next see you. Where I have days free this coming week, these will be for just me.

The driver, although banned from driving for five years, he says he will never drive again. He has said also that he has never forgotten that day and never will.

Now I am not going to go anymore much into what has been said, other than he does not have a jail sentence. He had court fees to pay today and he has so many hours of community service.

My feelings

Originally, regardless if he was showing remorse, or not, I was all 100% set seeing him do 10 years for each person. When I realised this was not happening, I totally broke down. But also, I struggled to hear what was being said in court, even on loop.
The woman involved in the case for us, after filling us all in, filled me in.
The police who were there, filled me and sometimes even had one-to-one chats with me in a private room. When the police knew a bit more about me, one thought it would be best to speak with the person who did the investigating at the crime scene. So as we chatted, he shown me photos taken at the crime scene and explained what they did, to test the theory of what speed he was going at and all the other evidence they had. All this shown that he definitely did not go over the 60mph limit on that road, but the bend and how the road is, he had got caught out with how the car would start to drag, because how the road is shaped that the water drains off. There is a word for this and I have come across these types of roads in driving lessons I once had, that you have to watch your speed on,to avoid the car going in the opposite direction you want it to be. So as he did not have much driving experience, the police said he would have gone and panicked with his steering wheel, trying to correct it quickly, which in turn, you just lose your car.
My cousin and her husband were walking on the pavement they worked out and they died instantly.

When I attended the court today, it was to hear the facts and as I have already mentioned, I realise I have been affected more than I originally thought, after learning no one lost a limb. I was so relieved to hear they hadn’t and broke down more. The police have really tried to squash that rumour, but it obviously still went around. I may be relieved, but I am angry for the fucking people who started this and gossiped this. I felt sick to the core when I first heard this one and now I felt sickness due to the relief and emotion of all today, in court.

After speaking with the police in much more detail than I share here, my feelings I first had where I wanted to see him land up in prison has dropped to 10%. I do understand where they are coming from that he is serving a life sentence and that he doesn’t deserve that jail sentence, but yes, that 10% of me still thinks he should, but changed as to maybe he should have had the 6 months in jail that he narrowly missed. But I know that 10% of me will one day disappear. I can see he is remorseful and I can see he is suffering.

Being in court helped me for the reasons I needed to be there, as painful as it is.
I am hoping after filling in with my mum on this today, that she can move on. Going by her reactions, I think she is.

I feel drained from today and after this post airs, I will be having my self-care and quietness that I need to do. But I will be fine. So please be aware, your comments may take some time to show, or me replying.

Thoughts and feelings

Thoughts and feelings I have been feeling very recently, these past few weeks.

Court and ex 😦

As court case gets nearer for the death of my cousin and her husband, the thoughts of the pedo ex not having anything to do with the case, has been popping into my head this week. 😦 I guess this is because of when I originally discovered the awful truth about him, when it was just days from their funeral is why I am having this trigger.

Council properties

I have decided when it comes to bidding for council properties, I am going to start bidding on studio properties. This is because I could have more of a chance hopefully in getting a property with the council, but also, I have been thinking quite a lot about studio flats since I once shown interest in a private one.
I shall still apply for flats, but will now include studio.
I cannot guarantee that waiting and hoping for the right flat, that I could be happy there, given by past experiences, which those who have followed me from a previous blog I used to write, will know what trouble I had there and the effects it had on my health. So I see council temporary, as I hope to save a large deposit, to one day owning my own property, unless of course it turns out to be a much better experience and I am happy to stay there.
As I can only bid on two council properties per week, if this means two studio flats crop up, but I say for example like two flats going on offer as well, I will place my bids on the studio ones.
If I ever find I am in one, I will look forward to the challenge of studio living, which over the past week I have learnt some good tips to survive in one. I am personally looking forward to the challenge, if I happen to be in one.

Blog links

Some comments have turned up in the spam box I see today, that should not have been there. One commenter has left their blog link in the actual comment, even though I make it known on my blog that this practice is not welcomed, unless of course you have something to share to an actual post of yours that is related to what I talk about in mine, then I ignore the rule.
As I do before airing comments, I have removed the link before airing. This blogger has been now told directly in the blog post concerned, for a polite request not to do this. I hope this will in future be respected, as I do when I visit this persons blog, as I do anyone’s blog. I did not like doing this, but after blogging about this on a couple of occasions, I felt I had to raise it. Not that I feel any better about it.
As we know when we leave comments on each others blogs, on the comment form there is a place you can add your blog link, so there is no need to to add it again in the comment box, unless of course the blog post in question at times says so, or where I ignore the rule and allow because something you shared related to my blog post, that related to the same topic on yours.
Thank you to the many readers I have, that have respected this.