After reading Imani’s post today, I felt inspired to write my own post on this topic. But do visit Imani’s post on her own views too, “The ‘F’ word – for abuse survivors.’ By reading our posts, I want you to understand why you have to be careful and avoid saying these words. It does not work for us all.
So back to my views, as my personal story is very different from Imani’s. But my view on this topic is very much the same.
- Don’t tell me to forgive.
- Don’t tell me to forgive because it will lessen my pain.
- Don’t tell me to forgive and say, “I’m not saying that what that person did was acceptable, it’s just so you can let go and move on.”
It doesn’t matter how you place, or rephrase your words, if you mention anywhere in the conversation that I am to forgive, you are definitely not helping me.
As I said on Imani’s post, I totally agree with you Imani. I hate this word too.
I have not had childhood abuse to the extent as you have, but there are things that have happened and as I have blogged about in my childhood, my 20’s and now discovered 40’s. There is no way I could forgive. I don’t need to forgive to heal, as I have had other ways over the years to heal.
To be told to forgive someone who gave trauma to me and the latest I found out last year, who played a part in trauma to someone else and I learn it happened in the whole time I was with that person, that it re-triggers my past trauma in my 20’s, there is no way I will forgive.
It makes my blood boil to have someone tell me to forgive and only slows down my healing journey.
As I mentioned, in that above comment over at Imani’s post, it makes my blood boil and it only slows down my healing.
The damage will always be there for me, but using the things I learnt in my counselling session, along with the things I do, to help me heal is what I need to do, to lessen the pain and heal. Unlike Imani, I do not appreciate your words when you make what ever comment, with forgiveness somewhere inside that comment. No, I do not appreciate it. (A repeat to make sure you read it right, the first time.) Even counsellors do not say this.
Now you have read my post, if you have not done so, do read Imani’s please. It is important for everyone to educate themselves in choices of words. Not everyone wants to be told to forgive the person that harmed you, for moving forward etc.