I don’t give a …

Content warning: swearing and the mention of child abuse, but details in old post links, from this post.

My long-standing readers may have noticed that I have started saying the names of areas where I have been on my blog. This is now because basically I don’t give a fuck. If it turned out a particular ex hoped to track down where I live and make personal contact with me, then he will​ in a lot of trouble and have more to worry about. I would scream and shout out, to let those nearby that they have a child abuser about.

To remind readers old and new, an ex I broke up with some years ago, because after 6 years he could not commit and gave me the same fucking answers, when I asked when he moved in. I knew what I wanted the last four years of that relationship, but I waited patiently the last two. He wanted me to hang on for another year, but I wasn’t having that and I called it off for a year, saying to him that during that time, I would not get back with him.
During that time, he had to think about what he really wanted and to be honest with himself, as well as being honest with me. I wasn’t going to promise him if I would get back with him after our break, but I definitely would not be with him before.
In the end, I chose not to get back with him, but he wanted to remain friends and so did I. But he soon failed on that one within months and he knew it, with how his last text came across to me, which I chose to ignore. A friend said expect another before he gives up, but I said I would be surprised if I got another, because he knows he has blown it. I was done.
I was right, I heard nothing more from him.

Fast forward some years later and by pure accident while researching something, he came up in the Google search. It was just a photo I seen at first. I did not even observe the writing that came with it. I was staring at the photo, because it was obviously a recent photo since I last seen him. He looked quite different, so I was questioning if it was really him. I knew that because of background and how he looked, that it was a police photo. After clicking on the link to read more, my life changed and so for my family.
When I split up with him all those years ago, I was disappointed in him. My family felt the same.
But when I read what he had done, I was distraught and sick to the core. I fucking hate him and I hope he rots. How I felt even further are described in related post links below, as I really don’t want to repeat it here, even though I feel sick just writing this,at this point.

I kept places where I live, or where I go private, so that I don’t give him a chance to find me. This was to protect me, because of how greatly I was first affected and how I am still affected. If I bumped into him, wherever he ends up, after he is released, if he survives jail, I do not want to bump into him. I know I will be hugely triggered, because of what he done to that child, which during all the time we were together, this had already possibly happened. All I know, is from what I read and this happened some time in the same year I went out with him. I started going out with him at the end of that year. But if it happened before I went with him, I still knew him as a friend. Or I thought I knew him. As I have mentioned​ in another blog post, I did not know anything was going on and as I blogged, you don’t always know as you think.

I am also triggered if I ever see him because I have been abused as an adult and that affected me big time, but to be abused when a child, I could not even imagine.
He helped me when I had a flashback to when I was raped. He supported me, by coming with me to Nottingham, just to help me where I needed to go, for my first counseling session. He came across caring and never did I feel pressured to have sex, during the time I was with him. A cuddle, felt just a cuddle. Nothing more. When we would see on the news about a child being abused, or missing, we both had views about it. Never, during these times, did I suspect anything wrong.

How could he harm a child and keep that hidden, in all that six years?

Would he have harmed his own daughter? Did he harm his daughter, during the time she had a week with him? (First partner split with him and left taking both and son and daughter with her. She was 2 years old, ex said, at the time they split up. Son older. They lived very far away, that involved boat, or being in an aeroplane, to get where they lived, so missed most of their years. I wonder what she has thought of this? as their relationship was much longer than ours.)

Did he harm another child he cared for quite a lot. Or was that child lucky, being a boy?

Did he honestly think I would stand by him, when this came out, had we been still together by then?

Remembering​ my last ever conversation with the ex, via Skype, before having that year break, I will never forget that last conversation I had with him. This is because I remember his body language when I said to him, “I think I know why you don’t want to move in with me?” He looked like an animal caught in headlights.
Now you have to realise, that this was at a time the child abuse had not come out. This is someone I loved and who supposed to have loved me. But here he is frozen, looking trapped. I will never forget that look.
But because I discovered he was jailed last June for abusing that child and remembering that look, from all those years ago, he thought I knew. Had I known then, I would have called the police and I would have fucking kicked him where it hurt prior. Yes, had I done it, I probably would have got done for assaulting him. But it would have been worth it.
I hope he does not survive jail and if he gets out, I hope he is lonely. In fact, I am positive he would be lonely, because the family would disown him.

He apparently is not allowed back in Nottinghamshire. But my concern is if I bumped into him wherever he lands up, as I am not going to know. I don’t want to see him again and if I was ever in an area he’d be living in, I hope he never approaches me. I know I would be angry, trembling with my emotions raking up my past triggers and being physically sick. I wouldn’t keep quiet and tell him to go the other way, shouting so any parents nearby know to keep their child away from him and what he is.

I will never forget the day I found out via Google, of his jail sentence and his crime, in which he had already been in jail for some months at that point. It was just days after the double funeral of my cousin and her husband. The world just spun as I was in a mess, until eventually crashing out and sitting on the floor.
Although a very traumatic time and some events blurry around that day, I have not forgotten the support I received around that time.

For those new to this, or have forgotten some of this, then posts below will kind of update you on that, just be aware of possible triggers it may cause you. Content warnings are in these posts.

Please be aware when commenting of possible triggers for me. This is still raw. I don’t want to ever come across him, but I have wanted to write and have my say with him in a letter, but I don’t want to give my address to him. I don’t know if the police can help with this, or not. I have never really asked, even though I have wanted to contact them ever since I knew.

Related posts:

5 thoughts on “I don’t give a …

  1. As readers have said in a past post when I said I would not reveal where I live, or plan to. Or places I visit, that it’s a shame to come to that, or feel I have to do that, but understand. They are right that I should not feel I originally had to do that. It was just to protect my own sanity. I was a mess, but yes doing that I shouldn’t have felt the need. I suppose to some, I created my own cell here. But no more. No more.
    Look out for posts to come when I talk about my area I currently live and where I plan to live. Xx

    Like

  2. I agree with Ashley. You’re taking back the power you can and you should be proud of that. I don’t know how I’d respond in your situation if I were to see him again in future either, I would probably lose my sh*t somewhat, but I guess we never really know how we’re going to react in a situation until/if it happens. It’s scary how often horrific things happen and people close to them are none the wiser, be they friends, lovers, family or neighbours; these are master manipulators, practised and presenting one face to the world while hiding evil beneath. x

    Liked by 1 person

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