How I feel

Because of my recent posts where I have possibly been vague and short to the point, which is not my usual writing style, due to watching what I actually say, I know I will have a few concerned readers. I thank you for your concerns, but I will be ok, just a few emotions have been stirred up and I am using what helps to ease my anxiety, like walks out, or colouring. I am just watchful what I say about all this now, as I do want to protect my family. So I have been thinking about how I could write to reassure you, while avoiding details about the court case to come. So this is that post.

It’s been a long wait as you know, for this to come. I have never been angry about the person who killed my two beloved family members, but I do want to see justice served.
Having anger will hurt yourself more in the long run, than anyone else and my mum is experiencing this anger, since the day we learnt of their deaths.
I was distraught when I found out about their deaths, the day after it happened via the online, local newspaper and I will never forget that day I found out this way. It felt like I was in a nightmare and at times it still does, knowing I won’t see them again.
Emotions are now stirred again; feeling tearful and anxiety.

I want to attend this court hearing, to see the person who killed them. I want to see his face and watch him, to see if he looks and feels remorseful.
He is a very young man, who only passed his test three weeks prior to that fatal day.
I hope that by being in court, I will get further answers to that day, but I know it won’t be nice hearing and I shall spare those details here. But the paramedic who was first on scene, it affected him. That is how bad this accident was and this is why I want justice served.
I already know how hurt my cousin was and it shocked me to the core. I felt the colour drain from my face, as I heard this from a friend, which I think was about a week or so later, after the accident. She stopped mid way as she was just going to say how my cousin’s husband was hurt. I don’t think she realised what she was doing and my face probably said it all, hence I did not hear the rest. So I guess I will and I am prepared the best I can be, should I hear this in court. Or can you ever prepare yourself for something like this?

I know my mum is interested in attending court. But she does not know these awful details, other than it was bad and so I don’t want her to attend, because I would be concerned how it would affect her. Mum does not use any coping strategies, as you know and her mental health can be much worser than mine, given her past history. But how she is now, the last few years, even more so, I would feel uncomfortable about her attending, which would spark my anxiety more. So I hope she will stay at home and say no more about it.

Three families are affected since that fatal day; Us, who lost two family members at the same time. The family on my cousin’s husband side, as well as knowing my cousin too. So double-effect for them too, like us. And the family that are related to this young man who killed them.
Our lives will never be the same again.

The speed limit needs to be 30 mph

My cousin and her husband were hit on a road not far from where they lived. A road where a speed limit needs to be brought way down and the local people have campaigned for this speed limit to be brought down, for years. They are still currently campaigning, with petitions already long ago sent in, after their deaths. They would like to see it 30 mph all the way through and I totally agree with them, along with other measures they are after.
I hope the people who receive these petitions and the campaign from these locals finally listen to them and change the speed limit. That road is awful and when you are on a pavement and a car goes speeding by, you are still at risk, because you feel the drag of that car passing you by, pulling you into the road. I know, I have walked this road many times from my teens, to an adult and I have had some scary experiences.
If the people who receive these petitions and campaign still don’t listen and act, then this is where I will be angry. Their deaths should not have happened and I, like the locals there, do not want to see anymore killed on that road.

 

Thank you once again, for your concerns and support. x

4 thoughts on “How I feel

  1. What you are building up to sounds very emotionally tough Liz. I don’t really especially know what to say as I doubt I can say anything that dramatically could comfort you with all this painful emotion going on (plus justifiable anger). Please just know that I care. I know I’ve been quiet lately. I had a mh crisis and have been trying to keep busy and occupied since to distract myself from dwelling on it, but I really care and hope that you find some sense of peace from attending the court case, even though you know it will be upsetting. Sending loads of love xxx 🤗💟

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  2. Thank you to everyone, for the comments. Love and hugs to everyone. xx

    Yes, I hope when the time comes, I have answers and also closure, as much as it won’t be nice sitting in the room. I will definitely make sure that self-care is a priority and if needed, counselling.

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