- I have a dolphin tattoo, on my left arm.
- I’m animal mad. (As long as it is has either feather or fur and has 2 or 4 legs.)
- I like my own quiet time and I don’t mind taking UK holidays on my own.
- I used to write my own personal deaf blog and I once participated in a book, that I am proud of.
- I don’t like heights, or escalators. (Especially going down on one.)
- I don’t always feel confident, even if I seem it.
- I don’t like snakes, but I would touch one if I had the opportunity now and see what happens from there.
- I don’t drive and I don’t plan to. (Not that I thought about doing it once.)
- I’m not good at public speaking, so you can imagine how nervous I was once, when I had to. This was for my speaking exam when I did my Functional Skills Level 2, in English.
- I like having 10 minutes at night, before going to bed sometimes, colouring in one of those adult colouring books.
If you have been reading my blog from the beginning, you will know I have been overcoming some past issues that affected me as an adult. I’m still working on my wellbeing, but I have gone past some pretty hard moments to get to where I am. I know that it will get a little easier for me, from now.
Today, I added a new page, titled ‘Helpful Links.” If you are reading this blog and finding you are having a difficult time yourself, or know someone else who is, then there is information on that page to help you.
Don’t be alone.
(Content Warning: mental health, emotional abuse, dealing with my childhood trauma.)
Burning the letter to Dad
I burnt the letter to Dad. That was it, as I wasn’t going to be doing anything else. Burning the letter was to now let go of the pain and to acknowledge in moving on and not let this past affect me now.
The hate I have before is not the same. I hope I am explaining well how I feel, as it is hard to get my head around when it comes to explaining. I suppose my mind still goes in a spin when evaluating at times. When I say the hate is not what I had before, basically I can say I hate him, but I can say it without gritted teeth, or feeling really worked up about it. I do still feel a little hurt at times, but it is not raw and it does not cause a problem for me now, as it did. I guess this will still improve even more, going by how I know I am so far.
Letting go of the pain and saying goodbye to my dog, Brin.
As you know from another post, this part came in two parts for me.
First part was re-reading the letter to Brin. Once I could let go of the guilt feelings I had, that I should not have felt, then I could burn the letter. (I did this last week.)
The second part, was to say goodbye to Brin. This is something I never got to do as a child. Brin was my mate and my escape from the world.
I decorated a pebble with his name on and then I bought a bunch of flowers. The flowers went in a vase on my kitchen windowsill. I took a couple of flowers out and with my pebble, I went back to where I used to take Brin for regular walks. The pebble was thrown into the brook, followed by the flowers. I had a quiet moment to reflect, before going home.
Here are a few photos of Brin, from my photo album.
I learnt not so long back, that I have passed my Foundation Level 1 in Maths. I now await to hear when I can start my next level.
I have also just started another course, after signing up online. This course is a paper based course with the BSY group. I am doing a course in Mental Health to gain some knowledge in this area, should this be an area I decide to shadow next.
I have already shadowed healthcare assistants in a clinic and if I like to shadow further there, then I am most welcome. I liked the half a day I had there and the staff were really helpful. But I need to think about if working on a clinic every day is right for me, than I first thought. So while I continue my next learning journey, I will take the opportunity to shadow where necessary, before making my mind up.
(Content Warning: childhood bullying and mental health.)
From issues I had at home, as well as at school, I would let my imagination run a way with me. When I was at junior school (and maybe before,) I remember being mostly in my bedroom. I would be playing with my dolls, creating stories with them. I also was a bit of a tomboy as a child, as I loved playing with cars and I did not mind getting dirty. Not that there were many times that I got dirty as a kid, until my dog, Brin came along.
Brin was my next escape from the world. I loved taking him for long walks and brushing him. When it was the school holidays, I’d be out three times a day with him and when I was a bit older, Dad allowed me to take him a walk further, as long as that when I came back round from this circular walk, I popped into the house to tell him I was back, before playing with the dog back on the field.
My other escape from the world, was when ‘Beauty and The Beast’ came on TV, starring Ron Perlman, Roy Dotrice and Linda Hamilton. Oh, how I longed to live in a world like that, where people cared for one another and giving each other respect. A place where to feel safe and where there was no hate or bullying. I never missed an episode. I would imagine living in a place like that.
When I was at comprehensive school, this was where I received bullying, which was mostly all verbal. The only timed I was pushed, was when I was in the first year. This bully tried to do the same thing each week in the changing rooms. I did not react. Eventually she became a friend and I remember a moment we mucked about in the dining hall. I never seen her after that.
I remember first day at comprehensive school of already being pushed aside. No one wanting to know me in my class. The person who sat next to me, who I thought was a friend, got called over to another table. There she sat the whole time with them. They just stared and never invited me over. Not that there was any room anyway.
I hated comprehensive, as I had no escape from the verbal bullying there. I already did not have any confidence and this was all a further knock down, that I felt I could not grow. If I had not been scared of Dad, I would have skived off school.
I would be called ‘gingernut,’ ‘fisher price’ and asked ‘very personal questions.’
When I was 13, I was asked a certain personal question. I remember speaking back for the first time, asking to tell me there’s and maybe I will share. (Not that I would have.) That person did not reply. I could see she did not want to answer and I let her know that. I said until you can answer a very personal question like that yourself in front of your friends, don’t bother asking me.
Another time I kept someone quiet, was when I was sick of hearing fisher price. I turned round and said, should I be offended by that? because it is a very well-known brand. Something you may use when you’re an adult one day and have a child yourself. Also, you never know, somewhere down the line there might be a distant relative of mine that created the Fisher Price brand. They did not like that response and I could not have cared, but it shut em up.
The verbal bullying stopped altogether, when Dad died. How I wanted to scream at the world when I was back at school observing this. I was like thinking, don’t stop now, I’ve had it all my life through comprehensive school!
Is it any wonder with what I had at home and this, that as an adult I have been so hard on myself! Easily criticizing myself, pulling myself down, calling myself! This is also something I have been working to do less of, since last year.
(Content Warning: mental health, childhood trauma)
When I was 11 years old, my Mum had a breakdown. Prior to this happening with my Mum, I remember one night she went to church and did not return home. I remember Dad worrying where she was, as well as me.
The night she went missing, prior to that, I knew something was not right with my Mum. I stopped going to church for a while, but I remember asking my Mum that night that I would come and she said no. My Mum saying no, was the strange part. I did not argue it, but I knew something was not right. I just could not put my finger on it. We found out the next day that she signed herself in a mental health unit.
Around that time, I remember it being a difficult time. I won’t go into the details with regards to how my Mum was and what she did, as this is personal to her and me. But as for me, with the worry and upset, I went from a size 16 to a size 14 in the space of 2 weeks. School got involved at one point, asking if Dad could come in to discuss what was going on, as my schoolwork was going downhill. He explained to them the concerns I had as a child and he was advised to pass on to me, what they said to him. What he had to pass on, was some reassuring words to ease my concerns I had and what I could do if I felt the need. I felt reassured by this.
While my Mum was in this unit, it was just me and Dad. I can’t remember how long my Mum was in there for, but while it was just me and Dad, his behaviour changed slightly for the better. It was weird seeing some of this, as it was a side I had not seen before. Why could he have not been like this all the time? I remember during this time, that I had no fear of him.
I also seen Dad pass out quiet a few times before me, which scared the hell out of me each time. My learning I had from going to St. Johns Ambulance each week, went straight out the window, except for observing that he was on his side, before running outside and banging on next door’s for help. No one was in next door. (We had no phone in the house.) Dad came round each time and got himself up. I don’t think he ever went to the doctors about that.
Later, my Mum took Dad to court to fight for me. As a child, I could not grasp why this was going on and soon anger from me, was being directed to my Mum. I hated the idea of choosing who to live with. I wanted both. I remember being at the courts with Dad and asking him do I get to have a say where I can go? He said he did not know what would happen. In the end, my Mum did not turn up, so we just went home. I was angry even more.
One week, not long after this, Dad insisted I go on the weekend holiday already booked with the St. Johns Ambulance to Skegness, as we were doing a walking parade over there. Then later, I was to go to my cousin’s for a weeks holiday. I did not want to go to either, as I had not forgotten about him having those blackouts. But he insisted.
When I was a couple of days into my holiday at my cousins, Dad phoned and explained Mum was back and she was right with him now. He explained how he was going to pass the phone to her. All this time I was shouting down the phone that I am not speaking to her. I heard a hello from my Mum, but I just slammed the phone down. I remember I was upset and shaking. The phone rang again and my cousin answered. It was Dad and I had to speak to him again and he wasn’t happy that I put my phone down on my Mum. My Mum spoke to me, but I cannot remember what we would have said to each other at that point. When I came home, life went on.
The parts after this, I cannot remember much now, other than I remember my Mum could not keep any money on her. Any change she had, she had to give it back to Dad, which I knew was wrong, but I do understand why he did it. Dad had to pay whatever was remaining on two catalogues she used to have at the time. What he had to pay, I don’t know, other than to clear outstanding balances. My Mum wasn’t allowed to buy anything else from these catalogues. Instead, anything we needed, had to be bought from the shops.
Years later, when Dad passed away and me and my Mum talked about that time. I learnt my Mum had a flat. My Mum could have moved into there, from the mental health unit. My Mum would have had the support to get the flat kitted out with the basics she needed too, had she took the flat. But she came back to live with me and Dad, because she came back for me.
I also learnt, that Dad threatened to burn the house down next time with us all in it, should she ever thought of leaving again. He apparently would have set a metal bucket alight, in the spare room. This made me feel sick to learn this, that Dad could go that low.
The first thing I would say when talking about my Dad now, is the fear I had of him. As a child, although I felt the fear, I would not have come out with those words directly. But a childhood friend who knows me, can remember when we played and what ever idea she had, how I came out with that I couldn’t because of my Dad. I apparently said, my Dad would belt me one. I can’t remember this, but when I mentioned it to my Mum, she said no doubt I would have said it, because my Dad used to say this often to me.
Why did I not take the opportunity to go with my Mum? I know there are people who get abused, but cannot leave, because they love them. That’s probably me, because as a child, I did feel closer to Dad, as we had shared interests. I also remember hoping and wishing that Dad could show me love like other parents did. Not put the fear in me. Maybe I hoped to see more over the better times. I don’t know, it’s rather vague and I won’t continue asking these questions to myself, as there is no point by it. But it is good to just get it out and wrote down.
Had I chosen to live with Mum, I know life would have been different, but how different, I don’t know. I know that life would have still been difficult though, because of what I experienced as a teenager, after Dad passed away.
I have decided today, that some of my posts will come with a ‘Content Warning.’
At times when I write some posts, they will be therapeutic for me, but they may be distressing for the reader. While debating whether to add a ‘Content Warning’ at the start of some of my posts, I googled the topic. This topic seems to be of a debate whether to add these type of warnings, or not and the words to use for it.
From googling, I have come to the decision I will add a ‘Content Warning,’ at the start of my posts where appropriate. Warning the reader what they contain, they can then prepare to choose to continue reading, or not.
Using a ‘Content Warning’ label also covers everyone, rather than using the word ‘Trigger Warning,’ as using this word seems to narrow it down to certain groups of people when content can upset anyone.
What I have currently written here, there have not been many posts to add the ‘Content Warning,’ so it has been quick to edit accordingly. But there may be posts I write later, that may need to contain these warnings.
All I ask of my readers, is to respect this decision I have made. You may feel it does not upset you in anyway what you have read, but for someone else, it can be completely different. Everyone is different, but I feel it is my duty to do this, knowing I have prepared my readers.
Thank you. x